Hello again,
First off, mail call is only on P-days, so I won't get letter 4 after I actually get letter 5.
A handbook they gave me on adjusting to the missionary game describes four stages of adaptation. The first stage of go-get-'em; we're awesome attitude has worn off and I am currently in that second stage of "Why am I here?" and questioning things. This never came more more evident than on Tuesday, when I went on another Spanish-speaking exchange with a zone leader, but before that, I went with a different elder to help teach a recent immigrant from Africa an English lesson and teach the first lesson to a new investigator in my area (We had to drop him because of lack of parental consent.). On the way to these appointment, this elder asked me about why I felt some in the mission were "too focused on the numbers," and I answered that those were things I couldn't control. I can't control whether someone gets baptized or not, so those are not my goals. Instead, my goals include offering the baptismal commitment, initiating x many conversations, and always making sure the Spirit is there when teaching. Those can help lead to a baptism, but that's not my goal because it's not my decision and I should not be guilty for that. This other elder told me "Preach My Gospel" says otherwise. I didn't respond, but thought in my head, "My ideology comes from a PhD psychologist who studied and researched this attitude for years. It comes from trying things out and making real connections with real people. When it comes to examining direct evidence vs. a supposed revelation, the hard, physical evidence wins." Eventually, he asked me the crusher--"What do you believe?"
I later wrote my personal theology in my journal. In it, I wrote that I have a Deist theology. God made the universe, but doesn't actively operate it and the people, otherwise that would undermine free will and chance. I think at times we are told to trust God too much and try things ourselves too little. God can hear and answer prayers, but that doesn't eliminate the need to take leaps of faith and use our reason and wisdom to find an answer ourselves. Why do we even have them if God was to be actively involved in all aspects of human life, telling us the answers to everything? Physical evidence of God is difficult because those premises seem based on straw-man positions, hasty generalizations, cherry-picking, non-sequiturs, and the God of the Gaps argument. The position of "Can't explain it; God did it" fails when the phenomenon is explained. The evidence for God diminishes. Therefore, my belief in Divinity is based on spiritual experiences I have. I can't rationally explain them like I can a^2 + b^2 = c^2, hence why I only say "I believe," but I can't deny those experiences. They aren't measurable or quantifiable, but they were real to me. Those moments are what have lead me to believe in concepts such as Atonement and Divine Origin as well as convincing me that leaving for a mission is simply the right thing to do.
I explained to this elder "I'm thankful for the spiritual experiences I've had, which have lead me to believe," but he wasn't satisfied. Because I refused to say I know, he concluded I don't have a testimony and proceeded to brag saying "I know because God told me." I refused to argue further and before I could teach another lesson with him, there I was traded to the zone leader, a twenty-something year old from Spain. As the day went on, what the other elder said to me stuck with me and my despair just grew and grew. I mostly remained silent throughout the day and by the end of the day, I don't remember ever feeling so depressed. I was scared that others would find out about my "lack of testimony" and use it against me. I felt beyond inadequate and questioned whether I should even be there. I was ashamed just to be me and said a prayer asking why I was who I am and why I wasn't feeling helped. I couldn't find any talents of mine that would help me. Reasoning and questioning implied to others I had no testimony and wouldn't seek revelation to find answers, trying to do everything on my own. But I do ask God for help, but don't leave it at that. I have a brain for a reason.
But still, a feeling of sadness and inadequacy hung around me for the rest of the week. It came back on Sunday when I couldn't care for a story of how missionaries in the Philippines were supposedly saved by divine grace during last year's typhoon, and that kind of elitism and insensitivity for those who did die was just beyond me and the caricature of Hare Krishnas as pot-smoking, white-robed Satanists seriously offended me. I really began to wonder if being an elitist, xenophobic idiot is a requirement for an effective missionary and if this two-transfer mission was to get those in me. If they believe tolerance is a trap that prevents from sharing the gospel, I don't know what I'm doing here. If someone not of our faith is happy with their's, who am I to judge that? I seriously hope and doubt this theory is not the case, but if it is true, I'm not sure I will be able to accept a permanent assignment.
Eventually, many of those problems wore off as the week went on, and I found a scripture that I hope I will remember during depressing times such as this past week. Proverbs 27:1 states "Boast not thyself of [tomorrow], for thou knowest not what a day may bring forth." I think it as equally as appropriate to bad times as well by saying "Curse not tomorrow, for thou knowest not what a day may bring forth."
Anyways, this was an unproductive and tedious week dominated by tracting and contacting. We now only have two real investigators and both could be dropped if things do not change soon. The one we were going to take to Temple Square last week cancelled, so we rescheduled for today, hoping that instills some new motivation in her. If it doesn't we will likely drop her. The other is next to impossible to contact, but he may be becoming more open to hearing us since his years-long relationship with his girlfriend is ending. I do not want to call this a blessing because that's just insensitive towards him. A nine-year-old we hoped would be baptized before long will not be baptized for an indefinite length of time because a letter sent to her estranged mother requesting baptism was harshly rejected and meeting with missionaries was discouraged. It was a crushing blow to everyone else in that household. We did gain a new investigator, but he's hard to contact and we have not progressed past the first lesson. A street contact and a tracting contact have never been around when they said they would for a lesson. We did get to participate in a service project of helping an elderly couple load a moving van and dismantle large furniture, moving it upstairs. Our work seems to primarily concentrate on less actives and recent converts. I like the attitude they have here, which says keeping them is as important as finding them. Getting a less-active to retake the sacrament is just as important as a baptism. Unfortunately, the missionaries don't have that same mindset. I'm just liking to talk and meet new people and just talk about life. (<-- Laura editorial... Really??? My son likes talking and meeting people!?! Awesome!)
Ebola has actually been to the Western Hemisphere before, but it was a monkey-affecting strain, so nobody actually got infected. The book The Hot Zone tells more about the event. In defiance of what the landlady says, priesthood and revelation are not excuses for modern medicine and indifference to the world's calamities. (<-- no idea what he's referring to here)
It's nice to hear of civil disobedience in the marching band. I just wish enough people disagreed with Chris to say the same about his intolerance when I was in there. The wards just must like sending Dad with deacons and on scout camp. I sure hope he likes working with Russ. Good support makes almost anything tolerable. Perhaps I need to remember that.
Send my best regards to everyone and thank them for their continuing support.
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